Thursday, October 28, 2010

Trunk-or-Treating

Halloween is in just a few days and I'm looking forward to seeing all the cute li'l trick-or-treaters.
Now-a-days, though, everyone's doing Trunk-or-Treats.

Trunk-or-Treating is where a bunch of neighbors line their cars up in a parking lot and kids in costumes go from car to car, saying "Trunk or Treat." You then have to give them candy.
The good thing about Trunk-or-Treating is, kids are safer and don't have to work hard to get a lot of candy.

The bad thing about Trunk-or-Treating is kids are safer and don't have to work hard to get a lot of candy.
Naturally, I am morally opposed to it.
WHEN I WAS A KID I HAD TO WORK FOR MY CANDY, DANG IT!!

This year is going to be different, though. This year, I have plans.
Moo-hwa-hwa-hwaaaah! MWAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAA!

INTRODUCING: THE TRUNK-OR-TREAT TUNNEL OF DOOOOOOOM!!!!
I'm setting up an elaborate obstacle course for the kids to go through to get to my trunk. I've already rented the backhoe and started digging pits and stuff in the wardhouse lawn.

For the first part of the obstacle course, kids will be given a machete and must traverse through a jungle made entirely out of Smith's Marketplace fake trees and houseplants, and Hogle Zoo's python that went missing last Tuesday.
If they get through that, then they must swing over a pit full of poisoned spikes!
After that, the kids must swim through piranha-infested waters!
The trench to this has already been dug and I've lined it with a slip-n-slide. Still looking for the piranhas. Walmart used to sell them with their other fishes but I heard not anymore.

The course is sketchy after that, but it will definitely include:

Outrunning a ghost in a haunted graveyard!
Balancing on a tight-rope over very hungry crocodiles!
Spelling the word "AMBIDEXTROUS" with stepping stones in a pool of acid!!

And the Grand Finale:
Taking a bite of the candied apple that does NOT have a razor blade hidden in it!!

I expect some kids might possibly live through this.
Those that do will find greater satisfaction in the candy they receive, and be much more grateful for what they have.

This is my contribution to Trunk-or-Treating.

If you yourselves want to contribute (as crocodiles do not grow on trees) I need approximately $39,672 to pull this off. Please donate. Together we can eradicate Trunk-or-Treat.

28 comments:

Heather said...

Freaking. Awesome. Post.

I was totally laughing out loud at this one -- I loved every single picture (especially the alligator homage to the Haunted Mansion).

I'm linking your post to my anti-trunk or treating blog post. I'm convinced that trunk or treating will end with our generation. I'm glad that you're part of the resistance! :)

Tara said...

OH MY GOSH-Hilarious. I am Heather Keele's friend and she sent me your link since we are of the same mind-set. HEEHEEE!!!!! I couldn't agree more and still rolling on the ground!!!

P. Daniel Quinney said...

Posting in an epic post.

Jacob said...

I have never heard of this "trunk or treat" thing -- but saw the link to your blog on Facebook (via Tara) and LOVED the illustrations! HAHAHA.

whirligigdaisy said...

Ha. Hilarious. No trunk or treat here so maybe I cans send you donation. :)

Morgan said...

this made me laugh so hard.

Joseph Meservy said...

Heather you have me laughing the entire time!!!! I think I'll be posting the link to this on my facebook page!!!

Lindsay said...

you'd make a good dentist's wife, handing out all of those "goodies". HAH i will not. i'll be handing out all kinds of gooey treats to bring my husband more business.

Julie said...

This is truly a scary Halloween story!

Andrea Hatch said...

I've enjoyed some fancy trunk-or-treating. One time we painted glow-in-the-dark skeleton bones on my black dog and had her sitting in the back of our Expedition with a black light on (and tons of other creepy crap). The best part was that the kids were too scared of Maggie (my innocent pup) to come get candy. More for me!

Greetings from Utah. Loved this post.

Drew said...

Love the Haunted Mansion shout-out. I have never really felt any serious animosity toward the idea of trunk-or-treat, but now that I think of it, it is kind of a lazy way to go about the Halloween festivities. Besides, where could be safer to traditionally trick-or-treat than Provo??

Sam Nielson said...

I totally agree and I like your ideas, but I think you might be better off just destroying the good reputation of trunk or treat as a safe way to get candy. My plan is simple:

1-Drive up to random trunk or treats with an unmarked, windowless van
2-Advertise that there is candy inside
3-Wait until a handful of kids are inside, close the doors and drive away

I don't have a plan of what to do with the kids or how to ditch evidence of the van after that, but just about anything would do. Drop them off at Chuck-E-Cheese's or something. Point is, soon nobody will trust a trunk ever again.

Lauri's Photography said...

Thanks to Heather, I got a good laugh reading your post! I join the resistance!!!!

Jenilyn Tolley said...

Thanks for the laugh--I really want to come to YOUR trunk-or-treat now!

Scott said...

I liked the little me picture best :)

--Hey said...

Oh my gosh... I am rolling!!! Hilarious!!!

MaryElla said...

I'm re-posting too! Great propaganda for my anti-trunkortreating agenda.

Jack Foster said...

Heather! You are hilarious! I think they should make a reality TV show out of kids fighting their way through your obstacle course. If the television station picks it up... I'm sure the $39,000 will get rolled right into production costs. Hmmm what would you call it...Survivor (trunk or treat)? Love your blog by the way...it ROCKS!!!

Daniel said...

Wow Heather, this stuff is awesome! It's great to see you doing what you love! I still have fond memories of that awesome comic you did on the band wall and still use the "Thoreau it away" line to this day. :)

paperflower said...

Oh my gosh! Heather I was cracking up the whole time I was reading this! You are hilarious! I totally agree with you, even though we just participated in Trunk or Treat with our ward this evening! We had to Trick or Treat for hours and sometimes in the snow! It was crazy! I loved the Haunted Mansion shout out too! You are so awesome!! Love ya!!

Munchanka said...

Count me in! Trunk or treat would be much better if the vehicles were moving and kids had to chase 'em down. Now THERE'S a workout.

Raine Countryman said...

I completely agree with you about trunk-or-treat. Our church does it and I absolutely cannot stand it. I swear that when I have kids I will never EVER introduce them to this "tradition".

Heather Dixon said...

Thank you every one for the donations and well-wishes! So far I've collected enough to steal a crocodile and hire a ghost. Will let you know how it goes!

Stacey said...

My brother-in-law told me about your post and I LOVE it! In fact, it inspired me. I turned our extended van into a spook alley for our trunk or treat. The kids should definitely have to work for it!

On a side note, we are related by marriage in a far and distant way. Velda Kay was also my dorm mom in college. I married into Velda Kay's sister's son's family. How's that for confusing! LOL

Anyway! Great blog! I look forward to reading more!

Ken Chandler said...

Heather, if there were a post of the year award, you'd be the recipient. You crack me up!

I was thinking of handing out hard boiled eggs next year.

Levi said...

You are officially my hero.

morelightthanburden said...

This has got to be one of the best Halloween posts, ever, right alongside Costumez of course. I love how well our world views mesh. Now I can just say, "Halloween? Well, go look at these links . . . "

Jessie Clark said...

I love it!

Unfortunately, I'm the person who wishes we had trunk or treating. I loved Trick or treating as a kid, but moved to Alaska with my husband. We now have 3 kids under the age of six, and live in a rural community. That means when we go trick or treating I have to drive my kids from house to house because A) the houses are too far apart, and B) it's usually -20 degrees here by Halloween. So my kids go to five houses so bundled up that you can't see their costumes, and we get about 15 pieced of candy, then they tell me that they are too cold to do any more houses. Plus there's all of the car seat buckling and unbuckling. If we had a trunk or treat we could get all of our misery done outside in under 10 minutes and I wouldn't have to work a single seatbelt!

Forget the obstacle course, send the kids up here, and they'll appreciate every single little tootsie roll they get!