Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Living Downtown

I don't know what it is, but I've never seen bigger bugs than I have since I've moved downtown. They're not just big...they're LIKE NIGHTMARES FROM THE MESOZOIC ERA!!

I had a centipede invade my house last week! I've never seen a centipede before! THEY'RE HIDEOUS!!!!!!!!

!!!! !!! !!!!

Boy, I Raided that sucker. I Raided it good.

And then I sprayed it from this angle.

And then I sprayed it from this angle.

And then I sprayed it from this angle!!

Here's a top view of me spraying it.

And then I vacuumed it up!

And then I took out the vacuum bag and stomped on it!

And then I set the vacuum bag on fire!!

And then I stuffed the bag down the garbage disposal.
HA! That'll show it.

But just to be safe, I sprayed the entire apartment, including the walls and down the drains and stuff.

The rest of the night I had a weird cough and the world looked like this:

But I still couldn't sleep, because I kept imagining centipedes crawling everywhere.


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!

I ended up spending the rest of the night like this.
The shadows were jumping.

I was pretty sure I had the bug isssssue taken care of.

Until this morning.

SLAM!
WHERE DID IT COME FROM????

FFOOOOOSH!! FWOOSH!! WHIIIIIIIIRRRRRR!!!
Etc.

I decided it came back probably because I hadn't sprayed everything well enough. So this time I really sprayed the place!
cough cough

Ok. Well so far I haven't seen any more bugs. But, really...I've got to figure out a permanent solution here. Either I A) Need to find a bug spray that works better, or B) Get me a husband already so he can smash all the bugs. Aaargh! I hate marrying for the wrong reason!

Although, I dunno...
I kinda like how I feel right now.

37 comments:

Julie said...

Heather, you make me laugh, and I can't stop!

Julie said...

And I love your monkey Bobo!

Julie said...

By the way, I have found that husbands are good for other things too, although, killing centipedes is a very nice perk!

Chantele Sedgwick said...

Ha ha ha! :D You are hilarious!:) I hate bugs as well. Especially spiders. SICK!

Jessica L. Foster said...

Ha ha! This is hilarious! Ps: Don't go to Florida--you wouldn't last a minute there . . . :D

Brittany said...

Ha ha ha! I love it! Make sure you actually CHECK with your suitor before you marry him to make sure he is willing to kill the bugs. I was excited not to have to kill spiders anymore, until I realized my husband is more terrified of them than I am! :)

Anonymous said...

I love it Heather!!! I'll tell you, whatever husband gets you is gonna be one lucky guy, I mean who doesn't want to smash bugs!!! :) It's like having a birthday!

~your cuz Joseph Meservy

Faunice said...

Love your bug removal technique, Heather. Call a professional to spray. It will be cheaper than using a can of raid and a vacuum bag on each bug!

Ramona said...

hahahhaha! This is brilliant! I hate all bugs with a passion! Centipedes are the worst!! Soooooo ugly! love the sketches, made my day!

Jenilyn Tolley said...

Thanks for the laugh, Heather! Husbands are definitely good for bug smashing. But now that we have kids and he isn't here to smash them, I STILL have to do it and I have to pretend that it doesn't scare me. You'd think I'd be used to it since my older sister made me do it while we were growing up. Maybe one of your sisters would be up for that...? :)

P. Daniel Quinney said...

Gah! The internet ate my comment!

Your methods remind me of when I lived in a basement apartment in Logan. One afternoon, I found a hobo spider a couple feet away from me on the floor, very much alive (if you've never met a hobo spider, be grateful. They are MEAN). I am sure that spiders and bugs everywhere now remember that fateful day, and in their languages, it is known as the "Great Basement Cleansing". I got them good! May they rest in pieces.

One of the best ways of keeping bugs out is to simply remove their food sources. This usually consists of crumbs and/or other bugs, so the trick is to keep clean. If you can, spraying around the outside of the apartment can create a barrier for any bugs trying to get in. However, this doesn't stop spiders from getting in, but it does keep their food source out, so it will reduce their numbers. Alternatively, you can use a bug bomb to clean out the inside, but be warned: these are nasty. You have to close off every door and window, and any food that isn't properly sealed will become a poison. Also, there is a chance that the fumes can leak into neighboring apartments, which can make the process really messy, since poisoning neighbors is generally frowned upon. You would also need to give the apartment a nice cleaning right afterwards, since it leaves a bit of residue.

That said, I say get 'em good! Make them pay for trespassing on your domain. Give them reason to fear your mad bug-killing skillz.

(There's a certain chemical that works wonders on most bugs, but I can't remember it offhand. Next time I'm at Lowes or the Home Despot, I'll see if I can't fish up the products.)

P. Daniel Quinney said...

Wow, that was certainly a wall-o-text. Sorry, I tend to get carried away with this stuff.

Aaron Ludwig said...

Heather, you make me laugh.
And I love that the fumes of the Raid make it look like you draw in MS Paint. :)

Kristy said...

It is worth the 65 dollars to have the bug guy come. I rarely see living bugs in my house anymore and life is good!

Cialina at Muggle-Born.net said...

LOL! I love the drawings, but I do hope you get some sleep tonight. :/

Courtney Autumn Martin said...

I'm cracking up from this, also because to my husband who pretty much loves everything, there is NOTHING worse than a giant house centipede! The only creature he wishes did not inhabit this earth.

Taelifoe said...

Wow....you totally just made my day. I have declared war on the little nasties in our house so many times that it's become routine. Anyway, great job!

Gabapple said...

ROFL. I LOVE your sketches! SO full of life. HAHAHA.

Yeah. Husbands are so good for killing bugs. Except that Aaron usually takes spiders and puts them outside. I SAY DEATH TO THEM. BLAH.

LeishaMaw said...

Seriously laughed until I cried. You are so awesome!

Jonathan Lankry said...

hahahah
I laughed so noisy that i woke up everybody at home !!

Anthony Holden said...

If your husband is brave enough to stomp out a killer centipede, how could that be the wrong reason?

Meanwhile, have you tried diplomacy?

Heather Dixon said...

@Anthony - You know, that's actually a pretty good point. Maybe marrying for bug-squashing skills *is* the right reason...Every girl I know does it... XD

Rem-Brant said...

Ah yes, the house centipede. Disgusting little monsters. I had never seen one either until I lived in downtown SLC. It appeared out of nowhere in my bathroom sink and it writhed like an unholy demon trying to crawl out. My wife took one look at it and felt queasy. Yuck!

I'd use one of those roach bomb thingies and spend the next few days at a friend's...

Scott said...

I make Mary squish the bugs

dixon.mary said...

It's true. But Scott's bow staff skills totally make up for it.

pbcbstudios said...

very funny!

Ana Siqueira said...

I had a good laugh. As I still live with my parents and brother my solution to situations like that are like: "DAAAAAAAAAAD!". It really works!

Anonymous said...

Just finished Entwined and loved it. You're on my automatic to read list now. And this post made me laugh so much. I've only seen a centipede once, thank goodness.

rhinemouse said...

Ahahaha. Exchange the "centipedes" for "cockroaches and carpenter ants," and this post summarizes my junior year of college. I'm still surprised I don't have permanent Raid-related brain damage.

BTW, I found your blog because I was googling for info on Entwined, which I recently read and loved. It's an awesome book!

Heather Dixon said...

@Anonymous: Why thank you so much!

@Rhinemouse: Congratulations you found me! I am one of those hidden writers. I'm so glad you liked the book! ^_^

Also: Bugs are evil.

Aria said...

Scariest bug situation ever? My parents had a house built in a quiet neighborhood in the middle of nowhere in a part of the neighborhood no one had built in yet. There were bugs here that have never before been disturbed by man. The first year involved several hornets nests IN THE HOUSE and gigantic spiders. being a night wanderer I kept stepping on them in the middle of the night. I had a huge one stick to my foot where it twitched while I screamed bloody murder trying to wipe it off on a door frame.

We finally got a brand called Hot Shot, it's in a windex type bottle and clear. Doesn't leave a residue and can literally kill a wasp midair!

Catholic Bibliophagist said...

I especially hate crickets. And I'm not keen on spiders either. Roaches are disgusting.

OKAY, I JUST HATE BUGS!!!!!

Whew!

Last week I dragged in a ladder and cleaned the cobwebs off the impossibly high ceiling in our living room. The next day I saw a hugh black splotch up where the wall meets the ceiling. I couldn't figure out what it was. Until it moved. Then I realized that it was a spider. A spider big enough to eat Tokyo. I was afraid to climb up on the ladder and vacuum it the way I did the cobwebs because it would probably crawl out of the vacuum afterwards and get me. I was afraid to climb up on the ladder and try wacking it for fear that it would fall on me. I watched in horror as it slowly crawled across the wall and behind the smoke alarm which is so high up that even on the ladder I can't read it to change the batteries. It never came out on the other side. It's still there, terrorizing me with it's invisible presence.

Nisa said...

Word of advice. NEVER move to the Bahamas. The centipedes and millipedes are everywhere here and those suckers get huge!

They get the toilet in my house. After being stomped on, thwacked and, of course, sprayed. The millipedes are super resilient to bug spray, though.

Aaaaahhhhhhhhh is right!

Corey Egbert said...

This is the best thing ever! I love your blog. It makes me laugh out loud. Your sequential art is perfect!

JD Straw said...

I agree that bugs, such as roaches are much larger (and much scarier) in the downtown areas, at least this is true where I live, here in sunny Jacksonville, Florida. I moved into one of the senior residential places located in the heart of the downtown area and the roaches that inhabit these building are as large as buffaloes. In fact they are large enough to put a saddle on their backs and use them for transportation. The exterminator comes bi-monthly and gets rid of many of them, but not enough for me to leave all the exterminating to his little bit of spraying. I went to Lowe's and bought me one of those professional sprayer units and some of the professional grade spray and I use it in between when the exterminator is not coming in here to spray. He spends less than 30 seconds in each unit so I know how much is not being done within just a few seconds. I also always, always, keep a back-up can of Raid because it kills FAST and they definitely die and only with spraying just a little bit--you don't have to "drown" them in the spray. If you use one blast of Raid and it hits him, you won't have to keep chasing him and spraying him or wonder if he gets away through a crack or a stairwell, if he'll die because Raid always kills in just a few moments. Sometimes I later go outside of my apartment and I see either already or blundering along after they've had the shot of Raid looking like drunken men. I don't put them out of their misery. I sweep then down the stairwell and let them die alone, a slow death. They like to try to run and hide but if you've given them a direct hit of Raid you won't need to worry if after he got away did he die. I also sprinkle the boric acid roach powder into corners and behind difficult or inconvenient areas such as around behind the backs of my furniture, the corners of closets, along baseboards and even on my thresh holds and I added it to the corners of my cupboards. Up until I moved downtown I kept roaches out of my home for up to three years at a time just by doing my own spraying, using the professional grade pesticides, the boric acid powders and the trusty old reliable, always on time, back up: RAID!!! Another thing is I went to an old-fashioned feed store once and had them sell me a powerful pesticide that came in a small bottle, about 6 ounces. I had to mix it just right before I put it in my sprayer, and had to only mix enough that it would all be used on one treatment. Nothing could be left over. But it had so many cautions until I only used it once because it seemed dangerous. Couldn't let it get on clothing, skin, or accidentally inhale any of it. Had to use gloves, high socks, cover my shoes, hair, wear goggles and a face mask. That was just a little too much. I felt like Hazmat.

I stumbled upon this blog, but I must say it was a joy and an uplifting experience because of the humor and nobody trying to hurt anybody else's feelings if they didn't agree.

Everyone, please be blessed and keep your sense of humor. You never know who, dropping by, will stop long enough to be blessed by your funny comments and respecting each others points of view.

Heather Dixon said...

@JD - Thank you so much for your kind words! You'll never know how much they uplifted my day :)

Also, I hear bugs in Florida, especially spiders, are very aggressive. I feel for you!

Fatima B said...

ur blog is hilarious! makes me giggle every time i read it :)
<3 it!!