Sunday, January 22, 2012

The Tale of the Turkey Sandwich

The Story of the Turkey Sandwich.
 A TALE OF SADNESS AND WOE!
keh-kaaah!

 So a few weeks ago we were under a severely tight deadline at work, which meant I had been skipping a lot of meals to do me some quality time with the wacom.  So I was starving pretty much.
I thought maybe I could slip out for a little bit and get some lunch, but I didn't want to get lunch just anywhere

I wanted to get it at a special downtown cafe.

This cafe is totally fancy. 
They have oil paintings hanging on the walls.
They have those fancy tinkly wossnames hanging from the ceiling.
They have those fancy swirly wossnames across the floor.  (rugs?)


It's fancy.
 Ok, in this drawing it looks ghetto.  But trust me...this place is fancy.

Best of all, they have the World's Best Turkey Sandwich.  It's seriously amazing.  It's so juicy you could eat it with a straw.

Here's that picture again to convince you.  (The sandwich is in color in real life.)

You know in that wardrobe movie how the kid eats Turkish delight and then craves it forever?  That's this sandwich.  I had it once and I'll never go back.

Anyway even though the deadline was pretty tight I managed to slip away...

...and found this...
The line was HUGE!
 I was craving that turkey sandwich pretty bad though, so I got in line anyway.

 And waited.
 And waited...
 And waited some more.
 An old couple stood in front of me, and as we neared the great plains or so, the guy was like,
 "I want the turkey sandwich!"

And his wife was like,
 "No, dear.  You want the oatmeal salad."

And the guy was like,
 "Oh."

A quick rundown of the layout at this place:
It's cafeteria-style, which means you order (1) your sandwich gets toasted (2) and you walk past (3) and (4) if you don't want anything else.  But, see, if you want a salad, you go straight to (4), you don't bother with (1) or (2).  Got it?  This is important to the story so pay attention.

When it was my turn at last, I ordered at (1).
Ok remember the toaster?  They put the sandwich in and it comes out toasted, due to witchcraft...Mom told me that's how crock pots work so I would (logically) assume the same thing worked with toasters.  The point is, the bread gets toasted and jumbled up inside it and you're not sure exactly who's sandwich it is.
 So I'll be darned if the guy stuck around in the sandwich line instead of going to (4)!
 And the server guy was like,

 "What would you like on your turkey sandwich?"

The old guy was like,
 "Uuuuh...."
"Uhhhonions...and uh, bacon, and uh, tomatoes...and mayonnaise..."


I stared in horror as my sandwich was massacred before my eyes.
 
Mayonnaise!  Mayonnaise!! Why??


 And given away.

And I was like, NO!  STOP!  That's my sandwich!!  You're supposed to eat the oatmeal salad!  That's MY sandwich!!

But I couldn't.  I just...stood there. 

Here's a shot of me just standing there from the back.
 Here's a wide shot of it.
 And here's a bird's eye shot of it
 ...just to show you how traumatizing this was!

 And then the old dude just sat there for a moment blinking at the sandwich.
 And then he left.
 And the server guy was like, "What sandwich did you order?"

 And I was like:
 See, because I couldn't tell him that he mixed up the order, because that would make him feel bad, and I couldn't take it back from the old guy, because that would make him feel bad, and I couldn't have them take more time to make me another sandwich because that would make everyone who'd waited forever crankier than bees.

So I was just like:



"I'm not hungry!" 

 ...and then I fled.



 and then I cried in the bathroom.

...but the bathroom had sofas and a television, so, okay.

I worked for the rest of the deadline on an empty tummy.  I don't remember if we made the deadline or not...that's just how traumatizing it all was.
However looking back, I realize I can't feel too sorry for myself.  Whenever I think of the old guy, I see this:
It's probably the first real food he's had in years.  Hope you loved it, old dude. <3

42 comments:

Jessica @ Books: A true story said...

HAHAHA You make any story funny! Loved this :D

Jeff Spencer said...

Which place is this? I need to experience the best turkey sandwich ever.

Jules said...

I just have to say that I read this as we were watching Girl with a Pearl Earring and it made me laugh out loud right during the love scene. Drew was like "Uh..."

Hygge Man said...

I may never eat the coveted best turkey sandwich ever, but I think I just read the best illustrated story about said turkey sandwich. Great job!

Julie said...

Heather, you make me laugh. It makes me realize how many times I will get embarrassed about something that is not MY fault at all and then I not do something I REALLY wanted to do, all because of a misunderstanding. Kind of funny!

Peter said...

I think I need to buy you a turkey sandwich, Sis.

Heather said...

At least you got to stand in line with Harry Potter, right? That must soften the blow at least...

BTW, where is this place? I want to go!

Drew said...

Literal LOL! I want this sandwich too. And you should have just asked them to make you another one! You waited ever so long! And through ever so many continents! Oh, bewildered-by-life old people.

Caitlyn said...

Ha ha, you are so nice. I hope you went back and got your sandwich later.

I want to know what place this is, too! I want a turkey sandwich!

Robyn Liebschner said...

That place sounds rather amazing. But what a cheeky old guy! I hope you were able to go back and order another one the next day <3 (I know its not the point, but...)

Scott said...

Pretty much an awesome post, although you should have said, "I ordered the sandwich that guy is eating."

Or went with the oatmeal salad. I hear it's fantastic.

C.Deboda said...

Hah, what an awesome (and hilarious) story! I'll be back again for more laughs. :D

Johnson Family said...

So sorry, I think i would cry too. But you do make good stories!!!!

Lauren said...

When in doubt, go for the Chinese food. Especially shrimp balls...
Unless you're allergic.

April said...

This tale of hunger fed my soul... like a delicious turkey sandwich.

Aaron Ludwig said...

Good to see the Piggly Wiggly getting the "wonders of the world" status it deserves.
Hilarious stuff, Heather, as usual.

dixon.mary said...

Great post! I didn't notice Harry Potter until I read it again.
You're fun.

Michelle Huynh said...

Your poor sandwich! I do hope the old man really enjoyed it though, since he originally wanted it anyways. I always enjoy your stories, though xD They're such an entertaining read. Also, I loved how Harry Potter was standing right behind you!

Missy Dixon said...

You are so awesome! I laughed so hard and couldn't stop so had to leave the library. Freakin' Hilarious!

PIBBY said...

This is awesome! I know this sandwich place. I’ve eaten there many times. Your drawings are very accurate. It’s in a certain building where they have someone play the piano in the lobby and there is TONS of old people.Right?

Gio M. said...

Hilarious..great boards.

rad sechrist said...

Wow, your drawings are awesome, I added you to my links.

Denece said...

Thanks for the smiles, Heather

Carrie Liao said...

This is so freakin' cute! :) Love your story

Heather Dixon said...

@PIBBY - Spot on, that's the place! For everyone who's looking for the World's Best Turkey sandwich, the place is the Nauvoo Cafe, in the JSMB. Bring numchucks though, you might have to fight off the old dudes (the sandwich is THAT GOOD)

Also: what? Harry Potter was in line behind me??

Erik D. Martin said...

hahah this is a really great story! which I can tragically relate to.

Christina C. said...

Heather, that was hilarious! I am glad to see that your blog is still up and running. I remember before that you had mentioned something about taking it down. :( love the new layout too!

Hayle said...

Ashton and I almost died laughing! Another hilarious one Heather!!!

Lily Prusso said...

Poor you, my mouth is watering just from the picture.

Aria said...

*cue me at a friends house getting ready for something. I'm dressed while my friend, her sister, and mother run around trying to get ready* I open my laptop and click through my favorite links and this pops up. Next thing you know I'm laughing my head off. I scroll back up and read it AGAIN and continue to laugh. Before you know if everyone's hovering half dressed over my shoulder wanting to read the screen and then laughing. We had turkey sandwiches for dinner :P

Sarah said...

Heather your hilarious!!! I was laughing so hard, tears were streaming down my face! I've had way to much homework today and this was like...the highlight of my day! Your awesome!

Shelby said...

YOU STOOD IN LINE WITH HARRY POTTER!!!!!!!!!!

No fair:(

LinWash said...

This made me laugh out loud. At work.

Anonymous said...

you made a story about a sandwich. my day has been made. thank you!

Adrian said...

This story, on the surface, is brilliant. Knowing your personality and realizing it's a fairly accurate assessment of what must have happened makes this so much more entertaining. I've learned two things: 1. I want to go to there. 2. I never want my wife to tell me I have to eat an oatmeal salad.

Abby :D said...

Once more, the AMAZING Heather Dixon has made my day!!!!

The poor old guy.... AND HARRY POTTER WAS IN LINE???? lucky....

By the way, this is PIXAR-GIRL from DevART, just to say once more you're AWESOME!!!


I am now following your blog :)

--Hey said...

Oh my dear Heather you make me happy... how I have missed you. LOVE this story.

Kaelvas said...

I absolutely love each of your stories. You put so much emotion and humor in each one. Also, where is this restaurant located? Oh, in the Joseph Smith Memorial building... I will have to eat there when I transfer out to BYU.

Alisa Selene said...

I loved this it had me cracking up! I just read Entwined and I LOVED IT..and I posted a review and..now I am a follower!

josh pincus is crying said...

This is awesome! Old people make me nuts, however I am approaching that age a lot faster than I'd like to admit.

This tale reminds me of one of my own experiences...HERE

Michael Woodruff said...

I love this story! I just love this whole blog!!!! Just a question, where is about, the real about, and about's revenge? I cannot find it ANYWHERE!!! I promise I'm not crazy....

Heather Dixon said...

Michael my friend! Nope, you're not crazy...I took the toolbar down because I felt it was outdated...I've got to update that!